I have no idea what I want out of my life.
I have gone through so many traumatic, dramatic experiences in the past year and a half that I can hardly place them all in chronological order. Most days, I realize, that if I were to meet me somewhere out in the vastness beyond my apartment, I wouldn't recognize me.
The conversation would go something like this:
1: Hi, I'm Victoria (The observant me wouldn't start this conversation, no, she'd be too afraid.)
2: Uh, hi, can I help you?
1: No, I was just striking up a conversation, but now I can tell I did this all wrong. Your body language says that you'd rather not speak. You didn't even force a smile. I'll go along my way.
2: Ouch. That was harsh.
1: You're the one making up this hypothetical conversation. Okay, let's move past the formalities. What do you like to do? You know? The things that make you, you?
And at the end you could formulate whatever excuse you can to replace the lies I tell. I know the things that I love. But they seem so out of sorts. They don't seem grown-up enough. They don't sound mature. They don't sound achievable.
I love writing. I love the smell of old books. I love the sound of a child laughing. I love reading stories to children. I love holding hands. I love to watch movies over and over. I love reading out loud in general. I love the hours lost in a good book. I love journals and pouring out myself into words. I love old memories and revisiting the good ones like they were a place I could drive to in a car. I love baking. I love the sound of the rain when you are inside enjoying a good movie with a friend and pause to hear what the outside world sounds like. I love swingset races. I love theological conversations. I love taking pictures (and hate being in them). I love sharing my story.
I feel like a failure because I don't want to making six figures, starting my own business, and being a missionary across the world. I just want to hone my passions and run with them.
What about you? Are you being true to you? Or is you a complete stranger these days?
2 comments:
I feel like that a lot.
I get stressed out about not having a great job and that I'm wasting my talents and not using my degree.
I definitely can relate to this.
I've been in a place like that the last few years. It takes a lot to stop and look back and realize that while I may not be rocking the world the way I know I was called to, but I have managed to accomplish things I never would have imagined I could.
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